The reason I've included the lyrics to the song above is because it's been in my head all day and I can't seem to shake it. It was part of the inspiration for this pos, and it resonates with me every time I hear it. If you haven't listened to it, I strongly encourage you to do so.
Hey y'all . . . I know it's been a while. I haven't been feeling like myself lately and I'm not exactly sure why. I haven't been writing because I didn't know what to talk about, what to say to you guys, but... my sweetheart told me "that's the beauty of it and you know what to write. Go write it." So here I am. . .
Though some areas of my life seem to be falling into place, other areas seem to be falling into pieces and I don't know how to encourage myself, let alone encourage my readers. I keep going through this cycle of being high off life, knowing exactly what to say and how to say it, feeling invincible and then I fall so hard from that high and I'm back at square one trying to figure out how to get back on track. I'm not sure how many of you can relate and to be honest this post is really for me. To express my suppressed emotions so I can get back to me. I don't even really have a message with this one . . . I'm just gonna write until I feel better.
Truth is, I am scared out of my mind to graduate from college. I am scared to make the wrong decisions. I am scared that I'll disappoint my mama. I am scared that my relationship will fail. I am scared that I'll keep losing friends. I am scared that I'll end up alone, I am scared that I won't have a successful career. I am scared I won't chase nor achieve my wildest dreams. I am scared I won't have an impact. I am scared I won't ever have a genuine relationship with my dad. I am scared that I'll do life wrong. And I'm scared to go for it.
As compassionate and as caring as I am, I am just as stubborn and insecure and I hate letting my guard down and letting people see my insecurities. I hate being put on a pedestal of expectations. I hate not having it figured out. I hate not knowing how to move on. I hate feeling stagnant. I hate being indecisive. I hate not feeling like it. I hate that I care about other people's opinions. I hate that I can't take care of myself. I hate that I don't ask for help. I hate feeling small. I hate feeling invisible. I hate being strong all the time. I hate not being strong for myself. I hate that life isn't easy.
And despite this fear and this hatred . . . I still love God. I love Him so much. I love that He is bigger and greater than any problem, issue, struggle, trouble, downfall, slip up, and mess up. I love how He keeps seeing me through. I love how He keeps making a way. I love how He keeps blessing me. I love how He never gives up on me. I love that He blessed me with Randi as my mother, and Nina and Caleb as my siblings. I love that He put so many influential personal and professional mentors in my life. I love how He always supplies my needs. I love how He provides. I love how He never leaves nor forsakes me. I love how He planned my way. I love how He comforts me. I love that He sent His son to die for my sins. I love that He forgives me. I love that He chose me!
And because I love Him and He loves me, I trust Him with my whole being. I trust Him to lead and guide me. I trust Him to keep me. I trust Him to heal what's broken. I trust that He already prepared and made my way. I trust whatever He has next for me. I trust Him to keep holding my hand. I trust Him to keep revealing His love to me. I trust Him to do unfathomable works in my life, for my life, and through my life. Everyday He allows me to wake up and try again, start again, to keep going, to keep working, to keep striving. . . is proof that my love and trust in Him is not in vain.
--That's the Life Cycle. To be scared of some things, hate some things only then to be lifted up and begin to love every thing and to trust all the things about God. The downs we experience in life really really suck, but the beauty of it is loving and trusting God through it all. But I suppose it is a challenge for all of us to break the cycle, because God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind. It is our daily challenge to learn from our mistakes and our sins, so that we can break this cycle and just love and trust God no matter what the circumstances may be. It is my prayer that God will grant us strength and perseverance, that we may have unwavering faith in times of trials and tribulations.
I feel better now.